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How Does a “Cool Pastor” Keep His Family Cool?

You can go ahead and file this post in the completely “random” category, but I’m pretty excited about this, so here it goes.

Snoopy-coolI am one of a very select group of men who can honestly call themselves “Cool Pastors”. As far as I know, there are less than 10 men who have ever been able to call themselves “cool pastors” without sounding goofy. The reason that I belong to this elite group of men is because I am the pastor of a Cool Church, Cool Community Church to be precise.

While I do live in a Cool town and shepherd a very Cool flock, the sad truth is that it isn’t always cool in Cool. In fact, sometimes it’s downright hot here. That’s why it’s important for me to keep my family cool, which is what this post is all about.

Now for most people the question of how to keep their family cool isn’t worthy of a blog post, they just turn on the A/C and magically they are kept cool. But, things are different here in the country. Some of the “high fluting” folks in our community have those fancy shmancy A/C units, but the rest of us have to stay cool the old fashioned way with a swamp cooler (by the way, that last sentence was meant to be a joke, almost everyone I know here in Cool has an Air Conditioner).

In my war with the heat, I have found two powerful weapons that have kept my house at under 77 degrees all summer long (even on 102 degree days). The first is what I call my secret weapon, and the second is what I call my super weapon. Here’s the run down:

1) Secret Weapon – It took me over a year to learn this so in the hopes of shortening your learning curve should you ever become as Cool as I here’s the secret. Learn your swamp cooler on over night. It’s true that a swamp cooler can’t do a whole lot of good against a blazing 100 degree sun, but if you’ve got your house down to about 62 degrees over night then it’s got a lot further to go during the day. This has been the single most effective thing that I’ve done to keep cool.

2) Super Weapon – In the worst case scenario, where the secret weapon doesn’t work I pull out my super weapon in a last ditch effort, before I pack up the kids and go to the church sanctuary for an all night movie marathon of Pixar films. The super weapon is ice! I climb up on the roof (where the swamp cooler is at) and put a frozen jug (usually a used milk carton) of water right in the pan. The ice cools the water, which cools the swamp cooler pads, which cools the air being pumped into the house…at least that’s the theory, I haven’t actually had to try this since my secret weapon is so unbelievably AWESOME!!!

Neither of these things do anything to keep rattle snakes away (rattle snakes love to come out when it’s hot), but that’s what I have this for:

example

July 30 2012 | Blog | 3 Comments »

12 Signs You Attend Church in Suburbs

Living in the country, I thought that this post making fun of suburban churches was hilarious. Here’s an excerpt:

If you’ve been wondering whether or not you attend church in the suburbs, allow me to help.

You might you attend church in the suburbs if…

3. You forgo Starbucks on Sundays in order to support the “coffee ministry” at your church’s on-site coffee shop, which is probably called either “Javallujah!” or “Heavenly Grounds.”

4. Members under the age of 50 use the Bible apps on their iPhones, iPods, and iPads, instead of the pew Bible.

5. The older members spend the entire sermon iJudging the younger members for “playing” on their iPhones, iPods, and iPads during church.

6. The “poor” among you is the person without the iPhone, iPod or iPad.

7. Your church is within walking distance of at least four other churches. You could realistically get coffee from one church’s coffee bar; drink it at the mid-size church that really “gets” worship, and then hop on over to the other mega church for the sermon because the preacher is more “dynamic.” (Translation: the chairs are more comfortable).

8. Your church is less cool because it doesn’t have a fountain pond.

9. Your church has a fountain pond, but it is still less cool because all the ducks chose to fellowship at a different pond-church.

10. A non-Caucasian family joins your church, thus doubling the number of “ethnic” members, and you now consider your church a diverse body.

June 20 2012 | Blog | Comments Off on 12 Signs You Attend Church in Suburbs

Looking Back on 2011

Dave Barry has a really funny piece over at the Wall Street Journal looking back on what he calls the “2011 Festival of Sleaze”. Here’s an excerpt:

It was the kind of year that made a person look back fondly on the gulf oil spill

I’m not saying that the entire year was ruined by sleaze. It was also ruined by other bad things. This was a year in which journalism was pretty much completely replaced by tweeting. It was a year in which a significant earthquake struck Washington, yet failed to destroy a single federal agency. It was a year in which the nation was subjected to a seemingly endless barrage of highly publicized pronouncements from Charlie Sheen, a man who, where you have a central nervous system, has a Magic 8-Ball. This was a year in which the cast members of “Jersey Shore” went to Italy and then — in an inexcusable lapse of border security — were allowed to return.

But all of these developments, unfortunate as they were, would not by themselves have made 2011 truly awful. What made it truly awful was the economy, which, for what felt like the 17th straight year, continued to stagger around like a zombie on crack. Nothing seemed to help. President Obama, whose instinctive reaction to pretty much everything that happens, including sunrise, is to deliver a nationally televised address, delivered numerous nationally televised addresses on the economy, but somehow these did not do the trick. Neither did the approximately 37 million words emitted by the approximately 249 Republican-presidential-contender televised debates, out of which the single most memorable statement made was, quote: “Oops.”

As the year wore on, frustration finally boiled over in the form of the Occupy Various Random Spaces movement, wherein people who were sick and tired of a lot of stuff finally got off their butts and started working for meaningful change via direct action in the form of sitting around and forming multiple committees and drumming and not directly issuing any specific demands but definitely having a lot of strongly held views for and against a wide variety of things. Incredibly, even this did not bring about meaningful change. The economy remained wretched, especially unemployment, which got so bad that many Americans gave up even trying to work. Congress, for example.

January 01 2012 | Blog | Comments Off on Looking Back on 2011

Nation Down to Last Hundred Grown-Ups

grownups_jpg_250x1000_q85

Great piece of satire…although not so satirical in today’s culture…from “The Onion”.

SUITLAND, MD—According to alarming new figures released Monday by the U.S. Census Bureau, the nation’s population of mature adults has been pushed to the brink of extinction, with only 104 grown-ups remaining in the country today.

The endangered demographic, which is projected to die out completely by 2060, is reportedly distinguished from other groups by numerous unique traits, including foresight, rationality, understanding of how to obtain and pay for a mortgage, personal responsibility, and the ability to enter a store without immediately purchasing whatever items they see and desire.

"Our grown-ups are disappearing at a much faster rate than we previously believed," said Census Bureau chief Robert M. Groves, who believes the decline in responsible adults may now be irreversible. "Unfortunately, we’ve only recently noticed this terrible trend, perhaps because of this group’s unusual capacity to endure hardships with quiet dignity instead of whining loudly to draw attention to themselves."

"If nothing is done, these wondrous individuals, with their special ability to consider the long-term consequences of their own behavior and act accordingly, will be wiped-out completely," Groves added…

According to Vogel, the nation’s remaining grown-ups have drafted a letter to be read by the rest of us when they are gone that implores us to make "good decisions" in their absence and explains how to reignite the pilot light on the hot-water heater should it go out. The note is also said to include some money that we are firmly instructed to use only in case of a real emergency.

You can read the rest here.

HT: Challies

June 15 2011 | Blog | Comments Off on Nation Down to Last Hundred Grown-Ups

Great Ideas for Husbands

Zach linked to this post today and I just about died laughing…while I’m supposed to be writing a sermon Smile.

why-woman-shop-alone

HT: Vitamin Z

January 27 2011 | Blog | Comments Off on Great Ideas for Husbands

“Really”

I don’t think that Microsoft is going to have the solution to this problem, but man did they make a great ad about it 🙂

December 17 2010 | Blog | 1 Comment »

iBuddy

I have to admit that I still want one Smile

November 12 2010 | Blog | Comments Off on iBuddy

The Dad Life

When I was a kid I swore this would never happen to me, but somehow I’ve really grown to love the “Dad Life”.

October 15 2010 | Blog | Comments Off on The Dad Life

11 Rules Your Kids Did Not and Will Not Learn in School

Classroom groupRule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

“Dumbing Down Our Kids” by Charles Sykes

October 13 2010 | Blog | Comments Off on 11 Rules Your Kids Did Not and Will Not Learn in School

IT Support vs. Pastoral Ministry

This is very tongue in cheek, but having done some IT Support in the past and being a Senior Pastor right now I think this post from Pyromaniacs is hilarious!

26 ways in which doing IT Support is better than being a pastor

For the most part:

  1. People come to you for help — instead of assuming that, if you really knew your job, you pphonewould intuitively know they needed help, and come to them without being asked.
  2. Everyone immediately tells you, to the best of his ability, what his or her actual issue is.
  3. Everyone who asks you a question really wants to hear the answer.
  4. Everyone who asks you for help really wants to he helped.
  5. Everyone who calls you really does want his/her computer to work the very best it can.
  6. You and your callers agree that computer bugs and problems are bad, and should be done away with.
  7. When you identify viruses, spyware, unwanted popups, and crashes as "bad," and target them for elimination, the folks you help don’t accuse you of being harsh and judgmental.
  8. Nobody who calls you is actually in love with the computer problems and misbehaviors they’re experiencing.
  9. When you identify a computer malady you want to eradicate, nobody can wave a book or point to a Big Name who argues that it is actually the latest, greatest "thing" in computers, and should be earnestly sought after, cherished, cultivated, and spread abroad.
  10. Nobody who calls you for help thinks that he’s hearing a little voice in his heart telling him that what you’re saying is just so much smelly cheese.
  11. Everyone to whom you give sensible counsel will hear, heed, remember, and follow that counsel — they won’t insist on "feeling an inner peace" before doing it.
  12. Everyone thinks you do crucial, important, and respectable work; nobody assumes that it is because you can’t get a "real job."
  13. Everyone assumes you’re well-trained, know what you’re doing, and know at least some things they do not already know.
  14. While you are expected to be knowledgeable and competent at what you do, you are not expected to be perfect.
  15. Most times, you know immediately when you’ve helped someone; you don’t have to wait six months, six years, or six decades, to see whether your fix has “taken” or not.
  16. On the worst day, if you do even a half-decent job, you can go home knowing for certain that you’ve really helped 5, 10, 15, 20 or more people.
  17. If you don’t know the answer, it’s probably on Google. Somewhere.
  18. When you discover a new, better, more effective way to accomplish the goals you share with the folks you help, they’re happy — not angry at you because it’s different from "the way we’ve always done it."
  19. The people you help don’t care how you’re dressed.
  20. The people you help don’t care how many committees your wife does or doesn’t head up.
  21. The people you help don’t hold your children to standards their children couldn’t even spell.
  22. The people you help don’t periodically form secret committees and whisper-campaigns to get you ousted.
  23. The people you help don’t all assume they know how to do your job better than you do, while actually knowing next to nothing about it.
  24. Everyone is fairly clear on what your job actually is: fix their computer so they can get back to work, or work better.
  25. The people you help evaluate you by whether you do or do not do your actual and well-defined job effectively — not by how you "make" them "feel."
  26. The people you help aren’t judging you as inferior to a beloved support technician who died ten (or a hundred) years ago.

AFTERWORD: Hope this proves to be encouraging (and chuckalicious) reading for you who are gifted as pastor-teachers, as well as thought-provoking for beneficiaries of their ministry.

October 06 2010 | Blog | Comments Off on IT Support vs. Pastoral Ministry

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